I have started this entry so many times I have lost count. It has taken me over a month to hammer it out, and it still doesn't feel... right.
I am a wanna-be slut. Not in the wanna-be gangsta try-to-be-dope-but-I'm-just-a-pretender kind of way, but in the I REALLY want to be a slut. I might settle down if I get pregnant, and I would do anything to protect my child, (if I ever had one,) but until then I wish I could healthily do whatever I want, no strings attached. I'm in love. With the only guy I have ever been emotionally attracted to. And we have sex. Really REALLY great sex. But there are people whose opinions really matter to me, who would not only not understand, but would strongly look down on me for being as promiscuous as I want to be. There are other things stopping me too. I am terrified of STDs. And I don't trust people. This made me sad:
I was recently contacted by one of my readers on this blog. He wanted to meet in real life and have a pleasant conversation at a local coffee place with someone who could know what his tastes were, and would not judge him.
I would not judge him.
I have fought for this last month to be able to say yes. When I received that email I was so happy I cried, because at the same time I was terrified. More than I can ever remember being in my life, save once. I live my life pretending to be someone I'm not, because I know that people I love would be disgusted by who I am inside. Every day I hide behind a big smile and a fake laugh.
You are my escape. I love you anonymous people, for your freedom, and the freedom you give me, because you are Out There. I can tell you secrets that only my very closest people know about me, and it is the closest I feel to being free, because you are the people Out There. I wanted so badly to to say yes. but I can't.
Someday, I'll be working in the store, and someone will walk in, and say "Hi, Max! Love your blog! Any idea when the next release of Lolifantasy will be?" And my carefully built disguise will crumble, leaving everyone to see me for who I really am. then I will find out how many people meant it when they said 'I'll love you no matter what,' and how many no longer let me babysit their kids. But I'm not ready to find out yet. In this, I am a coward. Someday, maybe. But for now, this has to be where I go to be free, and I can not let it touch my real life.
I still want to be friends.
*EDIT:1407100016* Don't type while emotional, or you will 'do healthily do' what I 'do healthily did'.
